Umbraco Anti-Patterns Talk Outtake

Written by @marcemarc on Thursday, 13 April 2017

Found this in a notepad file, as a possible ending for last year's codegarden talk... I think I know why I didn't go down this route as it would have been hard to pull off, but the bits that are very lemony snickett made me smile nearly a year on... so they might have worked:

Possible Ending ?

So I told the story of the super multiple checkbox carcrash from earlier to Benjamin Howarth at last year’s codegarden, and he said, ahh yes, I’ve seen that site, it’s xxxx and I said umm no, but realised the site he referred to was in the same industry, and so maybe this same person is using this pattern in all their development sites; and maybe this one person is responsible for all the bad code I’ve had to rescue in all Umbraco sites ever; I mean everyone I talk to about carcrash Umbraco has never done anything stupid; so surely it’s most likely one single person responsible for all this crap - everyone has a nemesis right ? - and no I don’t have black outs it isn’t a fight club thing - If only we could track this person down, I would gladly pay for them to attend the Umbraco training courses, and introduce them to Our Umbraco, and a subscription to Umbraco TV; there never need be a future carcrash umbraco talk again.

so Ladies and Gentlemen I can reveal I have dedicated the last year and a half of my life to tracking down this individual, I have gone undercover, grown a beard and walked and developed amongst you; I’ve travelled, by sea, rail and hot air balloon - slept rough in a ditch outside Byte5 offices in Germany - worked in Amsterdam bulb packing factory that overlooks Novaware HQ - played poker in Huddersfield with a robot, I suspected at the time to have been built by Matt Brailsford’ and I’ve answered countless forum threads obliquely, with leading follow up questions, and data mined tweets mentioning @umbraco (awesome is the top keyword), searching for clues, I have been like some kind of Umbraco **** hunter… to the extent that Channel 5/Discovery Channel would like to make a documentary about me...

.. and today
today codegarden
I can reveal
I suspect the person responsible for all of these carcrash Umbraco problems is present in this room and I have concocted an elaborate scheme for identifying this individual.


(I don't know what the elaborate scheme was going to be)